‘You aren’t lost...You’re in the midst of a transformation.
I recently saw this quote posted on Lewis Howes social media - ‘ You aren’t lost, you’re just in an uncomfortable stage of your life where your old self is gone but your new self isn’t fully born yet. You’re in the midst of a transformation,’ by Marcos Alvarado and it hit me hard to my core, like a bolt of lightning.
As I sit here, I am allowing the tears to flow, a waterfall that has felt confined in a tight lid on a jar for so long, rigid in attempts of movement, now finally released and cascades over my face, like a needed cleanse. These words were talking to me, were reverberating through an imaginary microphone, of which, were divinely guided to me to see at a time when I obviously was ready to see them.
It is like I needed to really, deeply, wholeheartedly surrender to a time of sacred space, the freedom, without guilt and shame, to allow myself emotionally, mentally and spiritually ‘catchup’ to what had happened to me.
My brain haemorrhage appeared unannounced, without warning and this one in particular is the aggressor of them all. Ferocious in its nature, it started to capture the occipital area of my brain, destroying brain cells and taking hold of my body like it was its physical property and there was no going back.
I thank my lucky stars everyday for the two amazing paramedics who acted swiftly upon the call, who alongside me, became my protectors, my army, who joined my resilience in not allowing it to take my life. My ‘brain friend,’ which I have now come to call it, did not win the war, but certainly took a bow as it departed its grand entrance.
The irony of it all is, as I layed on what I would describe as my ‘death bed,’ I was in a space of total surrender that this had happened to me, and it was peaceful. But it was not to be my last bow, my last hurrah, my last breath. My amygdala, located in my medial temporal lobe took front and centre stage, now performing the role of its life, and as each day passed, whilst in hospital were signs that I was still here to remain within this human life. However, as I write this nearly 2.5 years later, the journey afterwards has been harder to comprehend.
I am no longer the person I used to be. I have outgrown many of the foundations, the values, the beliefs that I thought were instrumental and significant in who I really was, of what made me who I was. Yet, at the same time I acknowledge they played their role in the person I was at that time and in those moments. So, as I navigate each day with a brain injury, some days feeling calm and in flow, others feeling like I am a bull in a China shop, I am being kind to myself and grappling with the notion of “What am I going to do with my life now?” “What is it that I want to do and bring into my life?” “What purpose and vision do I want to incorporate as my living legacy?” Some answers still remain elusive and uncertain, however in all this uncertainty, the irony is I feel I am also thriving in this uncomfortableness of it all.
I do know that there are two ways to go on a journey - walk away from something or go towards something. I am choosing the latter, I am entering a new world, where I will be the creator, rather than the role of the observer that has taken residence within me through the recent months. It is being in the cocoon, growing those wings to transform into that beautiful thriving butterfly, ready to fly.
There is a new path and I feel its energy. It is ready to embraced it in its entirety.
Mel
