The Day I Experienced a Subarachnoid Brain Haemorrhage with Guest host Amy Voss
Welcome to episode eight of The Brain Game Changer podcast. I am your host, Melissa Gough. In this week's episode, I sat on the other side of the mic and enlisted the wonderful support of amazing friend and confidante Amy Voss to lead the interview so I could share my story. Amy provided the space where I could discuss the events surrounding a significant life changing day, when out of nowhere I suffered a subarachnoid brain haemorrhage.
We discuss the events that took place, my time in hospital and the slow and gradual process of life going forward and how I am learning and discovering who the new me is! All this occurred during a pandemic lockdown! It is these extraordinary circumstances that lead to the birthing of this podcast The Brain Game Changer.
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Melissa Gough 0:08
Hello, and welcome to an episode of The Brain Game Changer: where heartfelt stories, awareness and education can change the game. Each week we delve into the experiences of amazing humans, advocates and organisations from all walks of life, who share their adversities, the triumphs after tragedy, the milestones and those brain game changing moments right here in front of the mic. Through this journey together, we may find that we can learn some valuable tools, knowledge or education that will lead us into becoming game changers for ourselves to someone around us or even for our community. My name is Melissa, thank you for inviting me into the space. It is great to be here.
Melissa Gough 0:55
Welcome to episode eight Season One of The Brain Game Changer Podcast. Well my friends this is a big one for me! In this week's episode, I sat on the other side of the mic and enlisted the wonderful support of amazing friend and confidant Amy Voss to lead the interview so I could share my story. Amy provided the space where I could discuss the events surrounding the day when out of nowhere, I suffered a subarachnoid brain haemorrhage. Now I know this isn't a word we tend to hear every day, so I'm going to do my best to explain it in layman's terms. A subarachnoid brain, haemorrhage or an SAH occurs when bleeding takes place into the subarachnoid space. That's like the layer surrounding the brain which contains the cerebrospinal fluid. The bleeding usually arises from an abnormality of blood vessels such as an aneurysm, or arteriovenous malformation and can usually occur at the base of the brain. In up to 20% of patients, no abnormality is identified.
And the reality is this type of brain haemorrhage, if left untreated, can lead to permanent brain damage or death, and that's the cold hard truth! We discuss the events that took place, my time in hospital as it occurred in the midst of a pandemic lockdown, and the slow and gradual process of life going forward. And how I'm learning and discovering who this new me is. I'm now neurodiverse. I have a brain injury. It is these significant life changing events that led to the birthing of this podcast, The Brain Game Changer. Without further ado, let's get into this interview.
Melissa Gough 2:42
Hello, Amy, it's great to see you. So I am being very brave. I'm now handing over the keys and the mic of The Brain Game Changer, and it's all over in your hands now.
Amy Voss 2:52
How amazing! I am just absolutely honoured and privileged just to hold this space for you and your journey and your story. Oh, my goodness, thank you so much for allowing me to be here and have the keys. So I can't wait to share your story with the listeners and also understand the impact that it's going to have to them because I know the impact that your story has brought to me and just meeting you. So thank you for allowing me to hold this space with you.
Melissa Gough 3:21
Well, in getting to know you, I felt you're the right person. The fact that you also had adversity within your family along the similar lines of what I went through, I knew you would come from a space of being an observer of what's happened and being able to, like you say, hold space. I'm very grateful for it. Thank you.
Amy Voss 3:45
Of course. Well, the first time that we met, I just knew that we had a special connection. There's probably going to be a couple of moments from that first time that we met that I was just, 'my goodness' and tears or laughter or whatever that was, that I hope to bring into today. Today is about you, Mel. So I'm excited to be here and help share your story. So let's go ahead and begin.
Amy Voss 4:16
Tell me and your listeners the purpose of today and why you're here. Why are you on the other side of here?
Melissa Gough 4:23
Well, something happened to me last year and it has changed my life. It's totally changed everything that was going on in my world. The circumstances and events from it have steered me in the direction of creating this podcast called The Brain Game Changer: where heartfelt stories, awareness and education can change the game. It is something that I never thought in a million years that I would do. I was starting to listen to podcasts. I wanted people to share their stories of what they've come through, what they're going through and what they're hoping to achieve going forward.
Amy Voss 5:01
You share the first episode, and you talked a lot about what life was like before, right. So the before and after, and it says you are in this beautiful place. Like you said, you woke up every morning, you meditated, and you held space for gratitude, and you had so much to be grateful for. I know that hasn't changed in relation to your gratitude. But something else did change. So what was that monumental moment?
Melissa Gough 5:27
Okay, so we gotta lean into this day. I woke up like every other day, and it was a Sunday. I was staying at my boyfriend, my partner, whatever terminology we use, I was staying at his house. Ironically, it happened to be Mother's Day, but it was a beautiful May Day. So we had a bit of a lazy morning. Then we decided to go for a big walk, because everybody was out. It was one of those treasured May days that you still hold on to before winter kicks in. So I went for a really big walk along the beach, we came back and we decided, well, let's go and eat some food at the beach, that'd be really cool. I was in my gym gear and went to get changed into something a bit more, you know, nicer. Then all of a sudden, I just had this overwhelming pain in the back of my head, like excruciating pain that I've never experienced before in my life. This was just really unusual. I remember, I was just holding my head and kept holding my head, and it wasn't going away, it was getting worse. By this point, I'm sitting on the bed, and I said to him, something's wrong, you know, and he suffered migraines, and it's just like, just breathe through it, you'll be okay. Again, my timeframes really jaded, but things got worse very quickly.
At this point, I'm sort of on my knees on the ground, and I'm saying something's wrong, something's wrong. Then I started, it's gonna be a little awful to say, I started literally projectile vomiting everywhere, like, everywhere, there was space, it was happening, and it was really aggressive. It was, it felt like everything was shutting down very quickly, and it was. I remember just saying to him, get an f$%king ambulance now! Get an ambulance! He must have, I think at the moment as well. I tried, because my phone was in amongst all the mess, and then paramedics turned up. I was literally on the ground in and out of consciousness. They were trying to have conversations with me, I don't remember much of it. I just remember that there was a man and a woman. They put me in an ambulance, and off I went.
Amy Voss 7:36
And off you went. My goodness, well, I mean, having that pain and still remembering everything that you went through, but also the panic of something's not right. I think that is probably just as extreme as having that pain and a sense of, you know, something's wrong, and we need to act quick. So you were brought to the hospital through the ambulance? Then what did that look like? Do you remember much of that?
Melissa Gough 8:00
I believe I was unconscious in the ambulance. I've got no recollection of that ambulance ride at all. I came to a point where I was already at the hospital, and I was in what they call the ramping bay. I woke up, there was a lot of noise, a lot of commotion. There are lots of codes going off all the time. I'm not in a good way, and I can't see anything. I mean, excruciating pain. What I do hear is a woman's voice, and probably because of what was going on with me and the severity, I was up towards the front of the ramping bay. What I've learned is that if you're up front, you're in the right place for all the wrong reasons. I heard a woman's voice say, okay, she's counting. So she goes number one, number two, number three, okay, she's number three. I remember at that moment, just thinking, Well, I feel like things aren't good, I'm not in a good way, something's terribly wrong here. And I thought, gosh, if, if I'm feeling this way, I wonder what's going on with the people in front of me.
At that moment, I heard someone yell, get a defibrillator, get the defibrillator now! There's a lot of quick movement, and the person in front of me was getting worked on with a defibrillator and they are trying to revive them. I do not know the outcome of what happened to that person. So that sits with me still, these traumatic moments. That is when I realised, okay, well, I'm up amongst people who are in a pretty bad way. Again, my timeframe is really jaded and a little bit disjointed, but I think something happened to me. All of a sudden I remember someone just grabbing my trolley that I was laying on and just saying we've got to get her through, we've got to get her through now! Just get her through and there was this scurrying and pushing me through. At that point I'd also been handed over from the paramedics, to the hospital team, and they were the ones rushing you through wherever they took me.
I was unconscious for a really long time this time, because when I came to, I was in a totally different room. I was in the ICU, in this ICU cubicle, I had probably four or five people around me. I was attached to machines, considering I hate needles, I had about six of them and you know, all the things they put in you to attach you to different liquids and medications and machines. I had that all over my arms, I had things on my body, things on my head. I remember just sort of coming to again, and a woman's voice just saying it's okay love, just letting you know you're in a hospital. I'm just trying to put a little, I'm just trying to put a little button on you. There were grim looking faces, faces not looking really good. I mean, we all had to wear masks at that point, and all the medical staff were covered in masks. And Again, I can't see anyone you know, people are putting their head over me to talk to me, and a man's voice comes in and says she has suffered a brain haemorrhage.
Melissa Gough 8:30
What impact did that have for you?
Melissa Gough 11:36
I honestly thought, am I, am I hearing right? Am I hearing what's being said to me? I remember my partner's face. He put his head over my face, and his eyes were just like bulging out of his head, it was like is this is this for real? He came around and sat on the other side of me and sort of just grabbed my hand, and as quickly as they came in to say it, was as quickly as this medical person left. She's had a brain haemorrhage, mumble mumble, mumble and left. So I don't know a lot about brain haemorrhages at this point, I know they're not good, and no one wants to have one! Apparently I turned to my partner and I said, well, you better ring work and tell me I'm not coming in tomorrow, and I said, you better ring my brother. Then apparently I said, I want to get married!
Melissa Gough 11:40
You're ready to get married? That was a trigger. It's interesting. What different things trigger I suppose. Right? And here you go. Why do you think you said that?
Melissa Gough 12:33
That's a good question. I am a divorced woman, and I've been divorced for about 10 years or so. Marriage was certainly not on my radar. I felt fortunate to experience it with my ex, even though it didn't work. You know, it was still a beautiful day. And we still had great moments. But getting married again, was certainly not on my radar. At that moment, asking that question, looking back and hearing stories along the way, I thought I was going to die. I can sort of understand the peace that people find in wanting to marry a loved one before they pass over. So that was obviously what was in my subconscious, and that's what came out. I didn't get an answer....but
Amy Voss 13:15
It was definitely on the spot for him, I think! But yeah! All I think about when you're talking about this whole journey that you've had is there is an element of surrender, you don't know what's going on, you don't know what's happening to you. You just have so much trust invested in those around you that they're going to take care of you and do the right thing.
Melissa Gough 13:35
It's so true that you say that. That's probably the biggest thing that I've said, since this has happened, I totally surrendered to all this happening. I was still scared, I still had fear, I still had all those anxieties of the unknown. But when they told me again that I'd had a brain haemorrhage, I knew I was in the right hands in the right place. I just wished everyone looked a bit happier. They were looking very grim. There were always people in and out of the room all the time. They were starting to really dose me up with all the necessities of medicines that they needed to give me and I was just getting constantly bamboozled with that, though, obviously trying to respond to react to these golden hours after something like this happens.
One thing that I observed is they're constantly coming in and asking me sort of the same questions. What's your name? Do you know what day it is? Do you know what month it is? Do you know what year it is and where you are? I lost count of the amount of times that was happening, like every 10 -15 minutes constantly. You know, again, attached to all these machines, and there stillness and calm within me amongst the surrender and the fear. There were so many layers in that moment. Again, I don't know what the timeframe was, but my brother got there. That was an emotional moment, I think. I don't remember any conversation that I had with him. But I did find out later from his wife and his daughter. They said they'll never forget his face when they heard the news.
Amy Voss 15:15
I think being on the other side of it, you know, I've had some scary moments with my own family.
Melissa Gough 15:20
Yeah.
Amy Voss 15:20
It doesn't matter how much someone sets you up for this, or what it's going to look like when you go see them in the hospital. That first moment, it is just heart wrenching, I suppose on the other side of it. I'm sure there were a lot of tears when he came in and saw his sister in the state. You know, you tried to prepare yourself and all that time, those extra hours to say, Okay, I had a whole plane ride from Australia to the US to kind of prepare myself but at the same time, nothing ever will prepare you for showing up and walking into that room. So I can't imagine what that reunion was like.
Melissa Gough 15:56
I think my brother would resonate with you. In conversations, after that moment, he said, as a bystander, I knew the fact that she was still with us, was a miracle. He said, you know, I knew how close you were and I knew you weren't still in a good space. But the fact you were still with us, means that you're putting in the fight, and you were still hanging in there.
Melissa Gough 16:31
The first 24/48/72 hours is probably the biggest thing going forward that I need to get treatment for, it's horrific trauma. It's really hard to explain what it's like at that moment. You hear constant codes going on. People scurrying around all the time, and again, it's busy. ICU is not a slow and flowing venue. Everyone's running around,every moment matters, every minute matters. Eventually, when my brother and my partner went home, again, my timeframe was jaded, but I knew it was late at night. I remember laying there and thinking, okay, well, I guess at some point tonight, I'm going to die, and it's going to happen just as quickly as the brain haemorrhage came on. I just hope it's peaceful. I hope it's quick. I remember thinking that. I had that school of thought and that hat on. Then I had another hat on, that was just like, well, I'm still here. I'm still obviously fighting something, my body is still trying to fight the fight. It's finding the part of its life, and I'm in the right place to do that, and I'm going back and forth between these hats.
Again, back to the hat where I thought I was going to die. That's when I started reflecting on going okay, well, I've had a good life of, you know, I've got regrets and things that I wish I'd done a little bit differently. Overall, I feel like, you know, at 48 years old, I've lived a great life. I've spent 15 years travelling the world and living overseas. I've seen some beautiful parts of the world, I've met some amazing people. I've achieved some personal goals that I wanted to, so I feel pretty lucky if this is where it's meant to end. I also started going through this.....it's hard. I started going through my funeral plans in my head and thinking, okay, well, at least my wills intact. I had things sorted out at the end, and I remember thinking, okay, my niece is six months off 18. I've got a great little Mazda car, and I've left my car to her and she doesn't need to work hard and save, she's got a car ready. You know, all these different thoughts are going through your head, yeah, I just sort of reflected on my past and my life.
Amy Voss 18:59
You're such an inspiration on that initial thought process of the appreciation of who you are and who you've become, and the things you've done. I think just that in itself is just so powerful. There's many that can take a step back, whatever journey you're on when you're listening here and just say, where am I at in that circumstance of my life? I do think we need to be more proud of where we're at. You know, it's always such a fight and a journey of what's next and how do I get there and that type of thing. But I think just taking a moment and appreciating that gratitude piece, I think probably all the years of experience of just showing that gratitude for your own life. That's so commendable. I think of taking that moment to say I'm proud of who I've become, because not very many people can say that.
Melissa Gough 19:44
It's so true. The unfortunate thing is it usually has to be that a major adversity or significant trauma event occurs for us to get to that space. You know, I was pretty grateful and still, I was always continually working on myself. I was a life learner. But right in that moment, right, when I was waiting to die or fighting, fight or flight dying, I wasn't sure which way it was gonna go. I felt I'd made peace with myself for the life that I lived. I am grateful that I still get this second chance. Yeah.
I believe there'd been a car crash or something, and the trauma helicopter was bringing casualties in, I heard that buzzing going on around me. That noise and there's obviously new casualties from this trauma that have arrived. I hear someone opposite me. They're trying to resuscitate them, and they didn't make it. To have someone die in front of you like that, what people are trying to, you know, do everything to save you it was, was hard to hear. When your body shuts down, it's so true, what they say is that the hearing is the last thing to go. You do hear everything around you. Then also someone next to me needed to be resuscitated twice. It was a traumatic night. It's those moments out of everything as well, amongst other things going forward that I need some support with.
Amy Voss 21:19
That's what's surrounding you in your moment, and you're not really fully yet aware of what is happening, what's the outcome? What's the percentage that I'm going to make this through? And so you're going back and forth, I'm gonna survive, I'm gonna do this. And then or, okay, you know, I'm planning on giving my car to my niece, you know, like all of those different things and wearing it back and forth. But when you have those moments around you, it's tough to kind of be stronger in the sense of I'm going to survive, I'm going to make this there has to be very daunting in that aspect. Absolutely.
Melissa Gough 21:53
Yeah, it was. It's confusing, I guess, is the word. You know, as humans, we tried to box things so we understand them, and nothing was making any sense at all. I didn't understand any of it. I mean, I understood the fact that I was in the right place. I was in the hospital, and I was getting the vital care that I needed, that I got. I couldn't understand why this was happening. I never went down the road of poor me, poor me, why is this happening, But I went down the road, of why did this happen to me. I don't fit into a category and again doing more research, the only thing that I fall into, and my official diagnosis was called a subarachnoid brain haemorrhage, not caused by an aneurysm, and that's a whole layer for a different episode to explain. That I fell in a category between the ages of 40 and 60. The chances of a subarachnoid brain haemorrhage happening to females 1.6 times more than a male. I didn't smoke, I didn't drink, I didn't do drugs. I didn't do all of that stuff. I didn't have high blood pressure. I had a great diet. I was clean. I was active. I was really healthy for a 48 year old and that's probably where I just could not friggin understand, it's like why, why I do not understand this, but here we are. This is where we are.
Apparently the next day though, again, I was still in ICU, and this is some of those beautiful moments amongst, I'll call it a shit storm. The two paramedics who dropped me off, the woman had come back the next day and they were dropping off another casualty. I remember her voice. She had a very beautiful calming voice. She had that so even though I'm 48, she had a real mumsy voice and real nurturing mumsy voice. I only know her name. I have no idea what she looks like. Apparently she came to the cubicle. My partner had come back the next day, he obviously recognised her and said hi, hi. And she's like, hi, oh, I just came to check that Melissa was still here. Oh, isn't that great that she still is! I can still hear all this and she says, I knew something wasn't right, I knew something was wrong, and you have just heard what it is. Yeah, I just knew at that moment, something wasn't right. So I'm still glad she's with us. I'm like, holy moly, if I felt lucky to be where I was, for the unluckiest of reasons for the fact that she acknowledged that it was still there.
Amy Voss 24:33
Just wanted to, I guess bring to light how rare your situation is and where you're at today.
Melissa Gough 24:42
So statistically, nearly one in every two people who suffer a subarachnoid brain haemorrhage, die within a very short period of time, afterwards, the acute stage. So it's around 45 to 48% of people. When an onset of a subarachnoid brain haemorrhage happens that pretty much a person can die in that moment. The rest survive, but it's usually with some significant permanent injury, permanent disability. Then there's also a small group of us which I believe fall into a category of about 30% of people who make a good recovery. You know, as we pass the year mark, I'm still nowhere near, well I'm nowhere near where I was, I'm a long way from where I was in that initial moment. But I'm not back to full time work, I still can't go to the gym, I was allowed to start driving again after three months. I've still not really been down a freeway, I get a lot of brain fatigue. I have issues with my left hand, which is my dominant hand. Because of the stroke, you know, that impacted my left side, I've got tinnitus in my left ear. My cognitive abilities, I mean, I'm pretty proud of where it is, but it's not where it used to be. Even though people can say Melissa, you still sound very sharp. I thought, well, it depends on what it is. I've got to really concentrate and really focus and I can't get a lot of information very quickly. And yeah, I'm still learning who the new me is.
Amy Voss 26:17
So after ICU, and then they went and they moved you to the High Vision Unit on the Neuro Ward. What was that like? And how long were you there for?
Amy Voss 26:25
I think I was in that room for about three days. Again, it's a step better than ICU, but you're still getting severely monitored. You have two nurses around the clock in that room of four people the whole time, again, getting continually monitored. I'm still getting asked the same questions, getting dosed up with a lot of drugs, they make me start wearing these sort of moon boots, pressure boots.
Amy Voss 26:50
Well, just to drive circulation.
Melissa Gough 26:52
Yeah. So I have to wear those and I have to wear them while sleeping, or there is no sleep, so it's really uncomfortable. But they're like this, this helps prevent clots and further clots. So I'm like, okay, I'll wear it on my head, if I have to, this is what you need. I'll do it. There were a couple of like little moments, because one thing that I, you know, I don't even drink caffeine, I'm allergic to the stuff. So my diets pretty clean, and when they dosed me out with some pretty hardcore drugs, I'm high as a kite! I don't know what's coming out of my mouth! (Amy chuckles). I mean, by this time, I'm getting fed up of being asked who I am, where am I? So this nurse comes up saying, you know, what's your name, etc etc? So my name is Melissa, and I'm at the Club Alfred in Tahiti. I'm having cocktails, and I'm buzzing and having a great time! She goes running off very quickly to a senior nurse, you know, says whatever.
Luckily, this senior nurse had come over to me and sort of said, look, I've been with you for a few days, so I know I'm having a bit of a joke, but I wouldn't joke about those things. Because that's when we think you're starting to lose your cognitive memory, and you don't know who you are or where you are! So, you know, I got a little naughty slap on the wrist and told to behave myself in the Neuro Ward. Since that moment, I answered all my questions correctly and appropriately, like a good student.
Amy Voss 28:19
Well, you gotta have that humour. Like, I think that's what's so impressive that you carried your humour throughout. And yeah, I think you have several different examples of that. So I do love that. That's pretty incredible.
Melissa Gough 28:30
Well, there was another moment. The Neurologists are coming around really early in the morning at 730 in the morning. Usually about 6.30am-7am was when I got my daily dose of heavy drugs and painkillers, and then everything that was going on. Someone comes in and again, my head is not thinking straight and can't comprehend things going on. And says, right, okay, so we're doing an examination of your brain, and they explained it to me. I'm like, I don't get any of this in my head and went in a totally different direction. They said, right, okay, so we put a camera through your groin and go up and we do it that way. You know, we have a look at your brain and see what's going on in there. So for me, the word groin means, you know, my female parts, I'm thinking who agrees with this! I'm in my head, I'm like, so you're gonna go through there to get to my brain, and that's, that is how I comprehended that conversation!
So I'm pressing the buzzer and calling the nurses and I'm like, I don't want to do this! I don't want to do this! They're like, you have to do this, this is a necessity. We have to see what's going on. We have to see where the, you know, the bleeding has gone, blah, blah, blah. I remember saying something like can't you find a different way to get there? Can't there be another way? I said, look at all these things in my arms, can't something go through there and look at my brain. It's funny, she must have had that conversation with somebody because someone from somewhere came, examined my right arm and said, actually we can put a camera through this artery here and do it that way. I was like, Oh, wow, thank God! I'm just thinking, okay, well, the rest of me is falling apart, but at least some parts of my body are still intact, and I plan to treasure them for as long as I can (Amy chuckles).
Amy Voss 30:24
Oh, goodness, yeah, everything! I just love hearing what goes through your mind because it's also not controlled, albeit while our mind in general is in control, but just to the different thoughts as you vocalise some of this process?
Melissa Gough 30:37
Well, they did, they looked at my brain, and again, I don't know what they saw, I don't know what they found. But as each day is going on, I'm thinking, okay, well, I'm still here, and this is good. You know, the Neuro Ward Vision Unit is for people who desperately need it. After a certain few days, they moved me out onto the general ward, I was still very fragile. I was still moved out onto the ward, but I wasn't far from the High Vision Unit room area. That's also again, when I got my official diagnosis about what it was called. I remember a young doctor coming in and I was probably almost old enough to be his mum, but you know, he's just a young looking guy, but he was a Neurologist. He said, look, we've looked at your brain, we can't give you a reason why this happened, he was beautiful. He was almost apologetic. He's just like, I don't know why this happened. There's no previous trauma, there's nothing in any area of your brain.
I guess the best way to describe where my brain haemorrhage happened is we've got lobes in our head. My brain haemorrhage happened at the back of my head, at the base of their occipital lobe, near the cerebellum and sort of getting into the brainstem. If you put your hands behind the back of your head and you feel that part that starts to narrow towards your neck to relax, that's sort of where it was. He just said, look, we've looked everywhere, and we just can't give you a reason why. There's nothing that's obvious to us about why this happened.
Apparently, I said to him something along the lines of, well, if I knew this was gonna happen, I would have drank a lot more alcohol, had a lot more drugs and eaten a lot more cheeseburgers! You know, to really make it make a difference. Through moments of uncertainty and confusion, and not getting information that you want, there were sort of these humour moments. He was really good, he did his best, he said look Melissa, unfortunately, we, we are seeing people coming in here who are healthy, and you know, their bodies in really good shape, and these adversities are happening to them, and we can't explain why.
Amy Voss 32:45
The why question, right, like questioning why did this happen? Is that something that carried on with you, and still is there for you? My mind is not nearly as strong as yours, and I would just, that would be the biggest battle for me to understand why it happened. Trust me, I think I have drunk way more alcohol and ate way more cheeseburgers. (we both have a good laugh). I think that would still be at the forefront. I just really, I just commend you so much, and look up to you so much for that not being the biggest aspect of your story, because that probably would be mine. As much as I hate to admit it, I think it would be true.
Melissa Gough 33:21
That's a really good statement, and a really good observation that you've said, because I've been asked that a lot. I've also had people going, I would not be able to handle not knowing why. I think for me, I deliberately and proud to say I just did not go down that rabbit hole. I just knew I had to go okay, well, this is where I'm at now, and this is what I need to do going forward. But I don't know why I just did not allow myself to go there. I just couldn't think,I think if I did it, I probably wouldn't be here.
Amy Voss 34:03
So you were 10 days in total in the hospital. I want to know the transition, you know, you're going back and forth between those wearing those equal hats.
Melissa Gough 34:12
Yes. Equally.
Amy Voss 34:13
Yeah. Tell me about when it started not to be so equal, you kind of said, you know what, I'm gonna wear the hat of survival.
Melissa Gough 34:21
What happened to my body, post haemorrhage, my balance was impacted. I wasn't able to walk unsupported. I suffered photophobia, which means I had a real aggressive adversity and reaction to light. You know, my body was going through all these things. Sounds I struggled with, you know, there were times I was wearing sort of headphone type things and putting masks over my eyes just to cope with my environment. Obviously, you know, nurses and doctors have to work in the light, they can't work in the dark. So that's what we sort of got to, we sort of got to things about how to protect me, whilst they're still dealing with people around me. Because when I was out on the ward, I was sharing a room with another person.
As each day went on, you know, I guess I'm still living. I thought, okay, well, we're heading in the right direction, whatever that direction is going to be. I didn't know what it was going to be. The only thing that was probably around day five, day six was, and looking back now it's, it's gonna sound a bit gruesome. But when there's a bleed in the brain, there is surgery, or it organically finds its way out of your head, and the way that apparently looking back now and putting all the pieces together, it went through my spinal fluid and released itself that way. That, again, was like going through a brain haemorrhage all over again, the pain that day was horrific. They could not give me enough medication to get through that day. But I guess how they look at it is that even though I am still incredibly fragile, I'm alive. So we got to the point where they said around day 10, you can go home. It's again, two hats. There's constantly two hats. I can't wait to get home, get home to my own bed. But the reality is, well, as I was told that after a brain haemorrhage, the chances of me having a stroke are around 50 to 60%.
So that first 30 days after a brain haemorrhage, I'm on these anti stroke tablets, and they are hardcore. Initially, I had to take them every hour, then it got moved to every two hours, then I got moved to every four hours. I wasn't allowed to sleep or do any rest beyond that time, with whatever little sleep I had. So again, I was delirious! I was grateful to be in the right place. You know, you've got a buzzer by your hand and nurses and doctors to come and answer your questions. So yeah, going home., yeah, by day 10, we're like, okay, we got to do this. Yeah, I was looking forward to it. Yet I had anticipation and fear of what the unknown was, and what was home going to look like. The only thing that I knew was that at around six to eight weeks, they're going to do another extensive MRI and look at my brain to see what we do going forward and where it was in that time of, of the recovery. Also, throughout this time, my partner's visiting me in the hospital, probably the day that I had really bad pain in my spine. And things were really bad that day, he was there. I think the thing that sort of concerned me, he didn't handle it very well. He was very stressed in seeing me distressed, and he found that hard to deal with.
Melissa Gough 37:37
My brother came to pick me up and we got home and the reality was laid out for me as well. I have to under no circumstances, stop taking the tablets, they are a vital part of the initial stage of recovery, I have to get as much rest as possible. Keep things very low and slow. No stress. My doctors have already signed me off for six to eight weeks, that's an automatic mandatory thing they do. I cannot drive for at least three months. What's beautiful is my colleagues start bringing an abundance of food. I was working in a place where culture and food are a big part of their nationalities. So I was getting it in droves, you know, it's enough to feed an Italian village. So you know, but I was grateful. I was immensely grateful for it. And people were being really beautiful and reaching out and eating food, food, food, food!
One thing that changed was the behaviour of my partner, my boyfriend, about a week into me being home, I could just tell he was just projecting his stress and his worries about what was going on in his life. I didn't ask to have this to inconvenience him. But he turned around and said that he didn't want a relationship. So yeah, we had that conversation. It's almost like he expected me just to totally understand. ‘I realised I don't want a relationship, and I've got my own issues to deal with,’ and he's having this conversation with me! I was in the state that I was. Probably the reality of that hit me about six months later, when I was in a position to understand it, and my body was stronger. I'm grateful now that he is not in my life, and I'm glad I'm not around that energy. The sad thing is, this is quite a common theme.
I know you and I've spoken about this when there's major adversities and a trauma or something significant happens to one of the two people in the relationship. The other person either fights or flights. The sad reality is the flight is just as much as the fight. He ran for the hills! Besides a couple of weak text messages that he sent about a month after, I've not seen him since. I have to wonder whether the universe has divinely orchestrated it, that we do not see each other. But I'm grateful that he's not in my life now. But it was hard and it hurt. It hurt a lot.
Amy Voss 40:19
Of course! Because that's kind of one more piece of your life that got stripped away. I mean, you were completely stripped of all things. That was one part where someone could show up for you that, yeah, that got stripped away too.
Melissa Gough 40:33
So true. So basically, he's gone.I still have to get to medical appointments and try to have some people check in. But this time, I didn't let people know that he'd left, because I just couldn't deal with those conversations. I was trying to process just surviving. It wasn't until probably a good six to eight weeks later that I started to say no, he's left, he doesn't want to be around. I think also the bizarre thing is he just sort of went from, I don't want to have a relationship with you, but I want to be your friend and I want to support you. I'm supposed to register all this conversation at the time. It's like I can't, while I've got a brain injury! So I just could not grasp that, this is where he thought that this was totally acceptable and doable and was so damn inappropriate.
So to help support going to medical appointments, what I did is I started texting, I did like a little communal text to a group of people and just said, I've got this appointment is anyone free. I had a beautiful friend Reid take me to my first GP appointment, and I had a gorgeous friend, Michelle, take me to the MRI appointment six to eight weeks after, and that was a hard one that was going back into the hospital where it all happened. Getting back into that machine, which I sort of don't remember, but sort of remember. I remember sitting in a little cubicle and I remember crying just thinking oh my gosh, we're back here, they're going to look at my brain again, and I had to be a little bit sedated to get back in there. At the time, the beautiful nurses, who are just gorgeous, said, look, this will be about 45 minutes. I was there for an hour and 20 minutes in that machine. That's when I worried. I was just like, something's something's wrong here.
I think it was two weeks after that MRI, that's when I got the news that they said, things are looking good in your brain. It's just a matter now of its healing. You know, in that consultation, they also said, a brain injury takes a long time. Neurologists, they are there to sort of keep you alive and get you to the next stage. But you don't get given a manual, when you go home to say look out for these things. expect this to happen. You might be feeling a bit of this. I was in a lot of pain for at least nearly six months. I felt lucky that they felt optimistic when they said Melissa, the fact you are so healthy, we anticipate a really good recovery. So it's a blessing that you were healthy in the first place. However, the road, I underestimated how long the road would take.
Amy Voss 43:25
So tell me about that transition. What was it that just motivated you? Every day is one step closer to becoming, I want to say, quote who you used to be, but you know that you'll never be that person because of everything that was stripped away, and now what you're rebuilding in yourself. But what was the power? What were the actions that you took to kind of just take those massive steps forward?
Melissa Gough 43:50
I think one thing that was good is when again, I had my consultation with a neurologist, we spoke about a gradual return to work. I mean, being a primary school teacher, it is a demanding and physical role. But we did speak about it having to be a gradual return, and he proposed a plan. My colleagues had been really amazing. There is that sense of if you can start getting back to some things that are part of your world prior. It does give you that sense of fulfilment and healing. I did eventually get back to work in some capacity. Unfortunately, we just couldn't get to a space where it could be long term, and that was devastating for me, that was heartbreaking, and that was a really confusing time for me.
Amy Voss 44:39
You've gone through so much. Someone that has a healthy brain that hasn't gone through something like you have. Those are things to struggle with. Your partner leaves you in the midst of all of this, the work environment, a passion of yours that has changed. Also friends that were there at one time, and then whether they show up or not, especially at times of adversity, but so much of those things that happened, those individually are difficult for people to overcome and battle through and accept and kind of say, okay, you know what I'm getting through this. So the amount of adversity that you have is just monumental.
Melissa Gough 45:16
That was, that was huge. I think it was around the six month period that I probably hit my darkest place in all this process of recovery. You're right about friendships and relationships. You know, I lost about 10 kilos in two weeks. So I didn't look well, as more time goes on, you get healthier, and you know, I still had my hair. But everything that's going on in my body is internal, it's invisible. So it's really hard for people to see it, and to try and understand it. There's three things that we want as humans, and that's to be seen, to be heard, and to be validated. I think people meant well. But if they didn't understand that, they would just throw you any sort of comment or any sort of comeback. There were a lot of people who said things that were really inappropriate. Then the most unexpected human being showed up. I had some beautiful people who were like making my bed hanging out my washing, bless, my brother is hanging out my underwear one day. Poor thing. It does show you and speaking in these interviews and research, you do find out who the core group of your friends are, I think one thing that's happened is my circle of friendships has significantly decreased. However, I'm a richer person for it.
Also, in the last 12 months, I've had new people that I've met in my life and you know, for various different reasons, and they are accepting me where I am now. I totally understand that it's really hard for people to see where you are now, when they knew beforehand. Again, people have been able to adapt, and other people haven't been able to. I've also had to make the sad choices where I've also had to step back from people. Because I just knew the conversations we were having, and the comments that I was getting, was not from a place of compassion, it was from a place of ego. I'm the first to put my hand up that I've also been that ignorant person in the past in my life, trying to deal with other people. One thing that this has done for me that I've seen in my own behaviour now going forward is I'm much more of an observer. I wish them well. But I just know that this next chapter is just not a place where we're walking the same path. I'm very mindful, I'm incredibly more mindful now than I ever was about where I exert my energy, and who I surround myself with.
Amy Voss 47:53
We could do about 12 other podcasts of diving deeper into some of these stories. But I think just for the listeners to hear also, it's still a journey.
Melissa Gough 48:03
I've always been resilient, and I get out there and give things a go, but I'm really starting to step out of my comfort zones. Because you do you, just think, well, you only got one chance, life is really short. I'm just going to give things a go and fall over. You know, which is how we sort of got to this podcast, I was at a bit of a crossroads about what to do. There's a sort of amazing human out there called Cathy Heller, who has her own podcast and does a lot of these amazing workshops. I thought, okay, do you know what I'm gonna try for this and give it a shot and never again, in my wildest dreams, pre haemorrhage, did I think this was even a possibility for me. Then slowly, gradually, probably from about the six month period, I started just chipping away at doing this podcast and creating this podcast. I think one thing that was really important to me was in the last two years, as we've stated earlier, COVID took over the world. I'm not disrespecting it and not disregarding it because as we know, it's impacted families. It's impacted lives. It's impacted businesses. It's impacted the medical system, the economy, it's impacted every aspect of life. But one thing COVID didn't do, it didn't take away cancer. It didn't take away brain, haemorrhages, strokes, heart disease and other adversities; they did not stop as a result.
What I felt was, I went through what I went through in the middle of a pandemic, and I wasn't the only one dealing with that. I just wanted to start shining a light on people sharing their stories, whether things happen during COVID, or well before COVID. I just felt we needed stories of hope, after adversity, triumph through resilience. I think we can learn a lot and grow a lot through people sharing their experiences, and that connection of resonating and that connection of community, and that's why I decided to do this podcast. I mean there were tears in doing it. There were frustrations, there were nerves. I've gone through all the feels, as I say, in my first episode to get here. I've heard some of the most amazing stories, and I'm really grateful that people have enjoyed them as well. I've met humans that I never thought that I would have met in a million years had my brain haemorrhage not happened. So I am blessed in other ways.
Amy Voss 50:25
Well, I feel blessed to have met you. I remember, you know, just meeting you. For the first time we were in the cafe, I had my latte, you had tea, I think. One of the other things you mentioned was that you wanted to write a book. I just remember asking, you know, why are you writing a book, and you said, because I lived, and I lived to tell a story, lived to tell my story. You have an incredible, beautiful, inspirational story. So while I know it's an inspiration, and so much we can learn from others, it's, we're going to learn so much from you. So thank you for holding the space to tell your own, you know, having the courage and resilience and adversity, which I know you've had heaps and buckets of that I admire in itself, but for sharing your story, because it needs to be told.
Melissa Gough 51:12
Thank you, I appreciate that. I've always had a bit of that humanitarian in me having travelled so much and been to lots of different countries. I just wanted to create a platform where voices can be heard, and it can create awareness and an education. If that impacts one person, then I've done my job. You know, one thing that I've really appreciated getting to know is the hearing impaired and deaf community. You know, there's a couple of humans in person and both on social media who are allowing me to show up and ask questions. I've been very honest in saying that I'm not an expert in this, but I'm, I want to ask you what it's like, and I want to see what it's like through your lens. I'm really fortunate at the different people that I've got to meet.
Amy Voss 51:57
That's another aspect of sharing your story, I'm so grateful for that. So I am going to just bring it to your podcast. The name of your podcast is The Brain Game Changer: where heartfelt stories, awareness and education can change the game. So what is a nugget or a vital piece of information that you'd like to pass on to your listeners?
Melissa Gough 52:18
I love this. You're giving me the question that I asked everybody else!
Amy Voss 52:21
I am. It's your turn!
Melissa Gough 52:23
It's my turn, I've got to show up. There's probably four words that I say to people and I get really passionate, and I say it with such fire and gumption - 'time is not limitless.' We are here to live this life as humans. I think people take for granted that they think they've got so much time and yeah, we have, and we haven't. Whatever it is that you want to do in your life, no matter how big or small, just go do it. Whatever it is, whatever changes you want to make to step into a better version of yourself, start small and then repeat, keep going each day it becomes a continual growth, a positive pattern.
That wonderful book, Atomic Habits! James Clear states in that book, he said, just add 1% each day, it leads you to a great outcome. My school of thought is through a spiritual, sort of energetic lens, that's sort of how I resonate and that's what works for me. I believe when we are born, there is a subconscious template and a foundation of how our life will weave its tapestry. However, factors such as chance, luck, freewill, external influences all play a part. So our path can continually evolve and change.
But the reality is death is a central part of our existence, and it can exist in the very midst of life. Unfortunately, it is people like me who've been on the cusp of death, who can really resonate with that a lot more than probably someone who hasn't. Life is utterly unpredictable. So go out and live it, go out and embrace it. Don't worry what other people are going to think. I have been that person, I have been that worrier where I'm like, oh, I'm gonna worry, who gives an effing shit! Go out, go out and live it. When you want to make those changes, and when you want to step into a better version of yourself, not everybody is going to understand it. Not everybody's going to accept it and not everybody's going to support it. Whether it means you stop smoking, or stop drinking alcohol and you want to change you know that aspect of your life. People want to try and hold you back because that's how they know you, they feel comfortable knowing you in the box, they know you already exist in. However, just go do it, and don't worry about what they think.
Amy Voss 54:47
Every single listener just needs to hear that advice today, and you need to implement it. So thank you for sharing that with the gumpton. I love it.
Melissa Gough 54:55
Thank you, I guess from a brain lens, because of what's happened to me I'll just add one last thing. From a brain lens point of view, because we can't see it, we tend to take it for granted. Do all the healthy things for your brain. I'm not going to sit on a soapbox and tell you what you can and can't eat, and what you can and can't drink. But I guess what I am going to say is, focus on your sleep, hydrate yourself. Look at what you're eating, and give yourself some brain gym. Challenge your brain, challenge your cognitive abilities at times, because that's what's going to keep it nurtured. That's what's going to keep it strong, and that's what's going to keep it surviving for a long period of time.
Amy Voss 55:38
It's incredible. Thank you, these are such powerful words, and the person who's speaking these words is so powerful as well, right. So it's a matter of us listening to say, it's a choice that we need to make. We need to make that choice, and so we have what it takes, but we just need to make the choice to implement these things. So thank you so much for sharing your story, for sharing your vulnerability and also just providing the light of who you are as an individual. Again, I just am still filled with so much inspiration. I just hold you so high in regards in my heart for everything you've been through, but also your response to that because that's the key what makes us as individuals, so thank you for letting me be a small part of this.
Melissa Gough 56:23
Again, thank you for providing the space. It's been a blessing meeting you. Who would have thought that we would have met doing an online podcast bootcamp workshop that was on the other side of the world, and we just happen to live five kilometres away from each other. I mean, who would have thought again,the world's lucky place to have you. Thank you.
Amy Voss 56:23
Thank you, Mel.
Amy Voss 56:44
Thank you Amy.
Melissa Gough 56:50
I want to thank you for listening to this episode today and supporting The Brain Game Changer and the guests we interview. I hope it adds some reassurance or valuable tools no matter how big or small that will continue assisting you in being the wonderful game changer that you are. The best way to support The Brain Game Changer Podcast is to like, share with family and friends or subscribe so each weekly episode is easily available to you. You can also check out our Instagram page @thebraingamechanger to see different posts about our guests and various important issues. In the meantime, keep being the wonderful game changer that you are, have a great week and see you again soon. Take care.
